TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically known for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully outside of location. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Sure, positive, let's have One more spot exactly where American Adult males can don robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer you everyone a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he must end working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head visible from Area, a attribute staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not just hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Features


Probably the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Trump Tower Damascus unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "Should you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting awareness from international traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down provider."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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